Addictions and the Examined Life

I have to face it – I have an eating addiction.   When I’m stressed, I look for food. It usually comes when I’m in a social setting and become uncomfortable in that setting, wishing to be somewhere alone with a good book. I don’t go looking for a big meal – I just stand near the food and graze. It’s self-medication. For the most part, I’m emotionally isolated in those situations, so I eat.  I tend to defend my actions by comparing myself to other people — I don’t drink, smoke, or watch porn, and my doctors tell me I’m only a few pounds – ok double digits – from the government set standards.    But that’s still just pretty-good self-justification.

What it takes is not self-justification, but self-evaluation.   Yes the Bible reminds us to examine ourselves to see if we have true faith (Psalm 26:2), to examine how our heart responds to wise reproof or correction (Proverbs 9:7), and since marriage is a mutually formative relationship, to examine the way our behavior affects our spouse (Proverbs 27:15-17).  It may also behoove us to observe the actions of others around us and evaluate our actions against the world’s values and see if ours equate to God’s design for us.     (For example, what actions and behaviors has He laid out for us in the Ten Commandments, that are different from what we do and observe in movies, books, magazines, the news, etc..)

Too often over the years I’ve seen the damage that addiction to drugs, alcohol or pornography has done to a couple’s relationship.  What a miracle then to see a marriage change and grow, when the addiction has been acknowledged, and the one with the addiction “gets it” and begins to deal with their problem.   How much greater a miracle occurs when the offended spouse also gets with God and truly offers unity, support and forgiveness to their addicted partner instead of nagging, criticism or shutting down.

Similarly, I’ve seen both men and women experience great weight gains and I know they’ve not worked on their relationship to grow closer over time, and it has resulted in significant marital drift. Is there a correlation between the drift and weight gain? Drift may indeed have a key role, but there are other factors at play also.   In my case, my food grazing addiction is my reaction to stress that comes from the soul wounds that I brought into our marriage – and our soul wounds certainly play a role for us all.

It’s my belief that we all have at least some minor, perhaps major addictions, and the point of this letter is to challenge you and I to look closely, with God, and examine where such things may be influencing our actions, even our subconscious thoughts and ask for help if He reveals an area that we need to acknowledge. Also I hope that those being hurt by a spouse’s addiction will be able to recognize that healing never comes from condemnation of their spouse but only through godly Christ-like behavior toward their spouse. In my case, Mary Jane, who is the more social one of the two of us, keeps a close watch in those social settings, to see if I’m stressing — by observing how close I am to the food, and coming to my side to help me with my discomfort.

You may be asking where you would go. The Church has great resources which you can find on our website. Or, you can Google a topic – “help with …” addictions, heroin, pornography, alcohol, marital drift, etc. and find a wealth of support. Just make sure that the articles you look at have a biblical foundation. Perhaps one place to start is with the Reflections and Applications below