Marriage takes Work?

I’ve worked with married individuals and couples for more than 22 years, and along the way there have been many revelations.  Two stand out as detrimental to a healthy growing relationship and often are seen today. The first is that it seems like the majority of Americans believe that marriage is the highpoint and goal for life, and once attained we can get on with life.  The second is that just having the tools we need to have for a successful relationship do not bring about the desired joy and happiness that we think we are due.  We are by nature, self centered people with some degree of entitlement thinking.   Such thinking crosses all ages and ethnic heritages.

Because of such entitlement issues in our lives, more and more couples are opting today for cohabitation instead of marriage, thinking that they don’t need marriage.  Without the commitment that it gives, they often think that with such a high percentage of married couples divorcing, “they would be foolish to take that step and jeopardize their personal needs.”  It was reported in 2012 that 52% of Americans who would identify themselves as a couple are cohabitating.  And yet most women that I’ve met who are in a cohabiting relationship still will voice an inner desire for the security of marriage, built on a model that they themselves have rarely seen in today’s society. The statistical success rate for these relationships is staggeringly poor, with more than 90% of them failing over time.

In some cases both sexes may be reluctant to tie the knot, some fearing abandonment in marriage like they see all around them, or having experienced growing up.  Some wanting to maintain the illusion of independence, and a great percentage quietly wishing for marriage, but fearful of disturbing the delicate balance that cohabitation really is.

I believe what is missing is the understanding that marriage takes work – it always has and always will.  Those that discover that truth have a much better chance at making their marriage something to crow about.

Recently, I was scolded for saying that marriage takes work.   The individual’s reaction to the word “work” was more akin to the classic fearful recoiling response of Maynard G. Krebbs in the 60’s classic sitcom Dobie Gillis, than honestly recognizing that the Scriptures tell us it is true.  It is this truth that two years ago became the foundation for Scottsdale Bible Church’s Marriage Ministry’s motto:  Great marriages never happen by accident but thrive with a vision of Christ at their center, Intentional Effort and the right tools.  There’s that naughty word (WORK) again in ‘Intentional Effort’.

For each of us, school took work, career takes work, parenting takes work , and marriage, the most important relationship that God has given mankind – It too takes work.  Varnish it if you like with words like “Intentional Effort”, it boils down to “work” and God calls us to it.

Sadly we often tend to side with the Maynard G approach to the word and miss the glory that our devotion to Christ first and others before ourselves that is the hallmark of the Christian’s life, and foundation for a great marriage.  It’s found woven into the warp and woof of the Bible – from Genesis to Revelation.

The Bible might have us define marital work as the joyful outpouring of selflessness; bringing honor and glory to God as we live before Him first and our spouse – before our own desires (even as good as they may be).

The june 19^th 2013 New York Times featured an article looking at how marriage has been viewed by the masses since the media took charge of our thinking several decades ago.  In it they wrote that Ben Affleck took flak during the Oscars this year for referring to his 8 year marriage to Jennifer Garner as “work”.  

It goes on to say that the media leaves us with:  “A marriage plot, (which is to say a comedy), is a story with a wedding at the end. But if the story starts in the middle, sometime after the honeymoon, at the breakfast table or the parent-teacher conference, where then does it conclude? There are only two logical possibilities, both of them sad.“   The report also accurately reinforces how great our minds have been trained by the media, a media that could make a movie about the sex life of a homosexual icon in the industry.

The article goes on ignoring what we all intrinsically know, that a truly fulfilling marriage as ordained by God is between a man and a woman; one that brings glory to God, and with our intentional effort, or “work” brings that conclusion to our future.  

So, let’s define the term.  What constitutes Intentional Effort or “work”?  

Certainly part of that is finding, learning and implementing the tools that are available to mankind today. Things like communication, conflict resolution and listening skills.  Learning about good financial management, and intimacy, nutrition and exercise, and avoiding addictions also can be a part of the work we do to create the opportunity for a healthier relationship.

But is that enough?  Over the years as I’ve worked with other pastors and marriage leaders it has become clear that having the understanding that putting forth effort to work on the marriage is a help but it’s not the panacea that many of us thought and hoped was true.   Effort combined with the right tools – communication, conflict, stewardship, intimacy tools will certainly be a step in the right direction, but after more than 20 years of working with married people, the most startling revelation has been that most of those so equipped are lacking the most necessary element.

VISION

Right tools and intentional effort are certainly part of the puzzle that need to be included but only those with a vision of Christ at the center of their lives and marriage are the ones who can use those tools and intention with sustainably effective results.  God set marriage in motion in the book of Genesis – at the very beginning – and it was good.   But sin has left us sufficiently depraved to be unworthy of God, and our lives and loves will be continually messed up until we seek the Vision He had for us before He created everything.  And that too takes a lifetime of dependence and trust in Him to change our character from the inside out.

I’ll say it again, the wedding is not the high point of life, and putting forth effort with relationship tools is not going to get us where God wants us — or where we want ourselves for that matter.  Mark reminds us in chapter 12:30-31 of Christ’s words to us in the great commandment:  we are to love the Lord God with ALL our heart, soul, mind and strength, and love our neighbor (our spouse is our closest neighbor) as ourselves. (bold & italics added).  Do that and use the available tools intentionally over time and I believe God will give us great glimpses of His glory and joy in our life, no matter our circumstances.