July – Conversation (it’s necessary)

When couples talk about what needs to be strengthened in their relationship, one of the top three is usually – Communication. Good communication requires conversation. ‘How do we talk to one another, or do we?’ Most often what I hear is, IT is the “problem” in their marriage.

I sincerely believe that is not the case. When peeling the layers of the relationship, communication, is rarely the root problem, but it is a symptom that is uncovered by the root issue. That issue, sin, revealing itself in pride, power struggle, fear – most of which can be traced to – pride. It’s true in my marriage and I suspect it is true in yours.

So before I get to the communication “tools”, let me encourage us to look at OUR behavior – not our spouses. Do our actions – before God – display the fruit of the Spirit of God? Look at Galatians 5:22 in your Bible – and ask God to show you where what you say and do, may not display, Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self-Control.

Then after you’ve had the conversation with God, ask your spouse where they see each of these in you, on a scale of 1 to 10. I know that when I ask Mary Jane to do that, I’m usually humbled, not just by her honesty, but by my shortcomings before God and her. That simple yet sometimes hard discussion is one “tool” to deepen your conversation skill. For when our spouse says we are a – say 4 – in a given area, I believe the best (and only appropriate) response is to say “Thank You, is there more?” In my heart, I want to defend myself, but in wisdom, we all would be humble to leave it “Thank You” and go ask God if there is any truth to what they have said.

A second “tool” is reflective listening. It is simply, rephrasing what we think we heard from our spouse, to make sure we truly understood. Why, you ask? Because men and women are so different that we don’t understand the language the other speaks. We never will. I believe that’s part of why 1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to “live with our wives in an understanding way” — so that we’ll put forth the intentional effort to patiently dig for what they are saying. The rewards are great, the penalties for failing to do it, undermine the marriage.

The third and fourth tools are regular Date Night and Marriage Staff Meeting (or Marriage Huddle). Date Night can be as inexpensive or high ticket as you wish, and can best be done away from your home, but as an alternative, sitting on the sofa – knee-to-knee. Date Night has one rule – put the kids to bed, the dog/cat in another room, and do not talk about them OR the issues you need to deal with. Save those things for your Marriage Staff Meeting. At that time, you’ll bring all the things you’ve saved for your meeting, and work through them for an hour to an hour and a half of deep conversation. (Again, no kids or pets though.)

Ok, we’ve got four tools for healthy conversation – if you want more, there are some great books on the topic (see our website here), and Marriage Ministry has many short term DVD studies scheduled in the next year to sharpen your conversations. Now we need to ask the question — “What do we communicate about at our Date Nights and Marriage Staff Meetings?” We’ve gathered over 250 ideas for Date Nights and Staff Meetings for you in a Word Document you may download here.