Marriage Staff Meetings Explained

For more than a decade we’ve have encouraged couples in our church, to keep two regular marriage events – “Date Nights” and “Marriage Staff Meetings”.

The premise is that we all need time for just plain fun in our marriage, and the “date night” fulfills that with only one rule – just fun, no serious issues talked about.   “Marriage Staff Meetings” are designed as time set aside to discuss issues, calendars, plans and goals.  Over the years we’ve been asked about the structure, and how to keep them from being emotional times of venting and turning bad.

This month I’d like to give you some tips on having productive and healthy “Staff Meetings,” that will take your marriage to closer and more intimate places.  They are designed to give of you an openness; creating an environment where you each can confide in one another.

The steps are Schedule, Location, Timing, and Process.

The Schedule is up to you. Weekly is best, but will be determined by the things that are going on in your life at the time.   I recommend that you limit your time to ninety minutes. The Location is best determined as a place where you’ll both be comfortable to share with each other.  It may be at home, in a restaurant, on a walk, in the car, etc.  I recommend it not be in your bedroom, as that should always be a place of comfort, rest and intimacy, just for the two of you.

The Timing is crucial.  Come to listen attentively to one another, and hear each other’s position on a matter.   Pick a time when you both are able to be fully “present” with one another without distractions and see each other as on the same team, with a desire to live out Romans 12:10-18  – “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor . . .”

Keep in mind that you didn’t marry an adversary – and with God’s help both must resist Satan’s attempt to see their spouse in that light.  The desire to live before God in obedience and to show a 1 Corinthians 13 love is vital to your spiritual health, and your marriage.

Begin your time with prayer – asking God to open your heart for the things to be discussed.  The Process then follows five steps that were originally penned by noted psychotherapist, Virginia Satir as The Daily Temperature Reading.

The DTR begins with Appreciation. Each should take a few minutes to share what you currently appreciate about each other.   It should be things completed and be specific and sincere.  (Not something like “I appreciate that you’ll do the ironing or take out the garbage next week”.)  Both are to come prepared to show genuine appreciation to
the other.

Next, each shares the New Things in their life.  He might share an accomplishment he has had since the last meeting, or that he made an appointment with their dentist, and she might share that she will be having dinner with her bible study group, etc.    The listener is to be fully present, attentive, caring, and affirming – not questioning.

Then share Puzzles and Schedules – those things we are aware of that need to be accomplished.  He might say that he thinks the car needs to go in for service, or that he thinks they need a new pool sweep.  She might say that she’d observed a broken sprinkler in the back yard, or that she thinks their child needs braces.

Each brings a list with their agenda items, and for notes.   After sharing puzzles/schedules, we can tackle each issue to be resolved.   Again, we are to keep in mind that while we have different approaches to a given issue, we are on the same side (our marriage), and that first and foremost we desire to do what is best before God.  Listening, validating, and seeing where we can move toward each other’s view on things will take us much closer and bring a quicker solution.

The fourth step is Complaint with a Request for Change.  I’m guessing that we all have things we’d like our spouse to do differently.  This step is the opportunity to share our issue with them, and to politely and kindly ask for a change.   It’s not pointing fingers, attacking or taking pot shots, nor is it criticizing one another.   At first It may take courage, but it’s vital to share our feelings about a behavior that troubles us, and let our spouse know what we’d prefer.

It can be “scripted” like this:  “I feel (sad, angry, hurt, frustrated, etc) . . . when you (and tell of their specific behavior).  What I want instead is (tell the clear, specific, unambiguous change you’d like).   Resist the temptation to ask – “Will you do that?”

Complaints/Requests are to be listened to and our partner’s feelings validated.  It is NOT the time to defend our position, to criticize, blame or walk out.   We don’t have to agree with them (they wouldn’t have a complaint/request if we did), but it is a time to let them know we heard their feelings.  Repeat our understanding of what they said, and ask if we have it correctly.  If not, ask them to tell it again, until we truly have understood their thoughts.  What we do with what we heard is between God and ourselves.

After both have shared any Complaints/Requests, we move to step five.  Sharing our Wishes, Hopes and Dreams.  They may be immediate, or those in the future.   This sharing might stimulate more discussion about how we can help our spouse meet their dreams, or it might be a time to write them down and go away and pray for Gods’ wisdom.

If your meeting becomes too emotional for either of you, ask for a break.   Perhaps you’ll need to pick it up later that day or week – but if you persist in rescheduling your regular Marriage Staff Meetings and face your differences packaged between genuine appreciation and your hopes and dreams, you’ll find it a fundamental building block of a
superior marriage.Don Farr is a Certified LifePlan™ Facilitator and Life Coach in Paradise Valley, Arizona – visit http://www.lifeplanningcoach.net