Marriage: Worth the Effort

Several times a week, I encounter those who, from their perspective, have found that their marriage has moved beyond “tough” to impossible, and are finally reaching out for some encouragement and help.  Sadly, most wait far too long before seeking help, perhaps because we do not see the trouble, or deny it, and get caught short with a blow up.  We’ve not learned to accept, much less appreciate each other’s differences, and when those differences manifest themselves we get hurt, disappointed and angry.  Reality sets in only after the wedding and is so different from our dreams and expectations.  Training in communication and conflict resolution is too sparse – or unavailable in churches, so many people resort to “medication” – alcohol, drugs, pornography, or turn to someone of the opposite sex who offers consolation and comfort.   Such things, God calls them sin, only exacerbate the problems in the marriage – in the past, leaving the best option for help – intensive couple therapy.

Our expectations and dreams are our baggage (stuff) – unique and quite different from those of our spouse.  What we experienced and learned in our homes and school as young children can be, and often are as different as night and day – but usually we’ve not delved into our expectations before the wedding, so reality comes with a crashing and often crushing impact.

Researchers know that dealing with our own “stuff” – usually from our past must be seriously undertaken, for us to be healthily engaged in a relationship. The old adage that you can deal with your baggage in this marriage – or the next is all too true, and mostly neglected.   Dealing with our “stuff” takes work, and when your marriage is suffering, it is nigh unto impossible to do that with your spouse and often there is not enough energy or wisdom to do it alone.

The same authors of the book featured in May have another work that we think is powerful in helping us get the strength to deal with our “stuff”.   Actually it’s a set of two books (sold together) that takes the reader on a twelve week study of themselves.  Joe and Michelle Miller have put together the idea of working on our “stuff” by having a same gender friend we trust, who has a strong marriage, work through the lessons as a partner.  They created a workbook for the hurting individual, and a same-gender partner’s companion book.   It’s designed for the two to meet for an hour a week for 12 weeks.   Their study is called “Marriage911”.

If the couple is still together and both parties want to see God honored by their commitment to one another, then we ask each of them to find a same gender friend and work on their own “stuff”, often before beginning to deal with the issues between them.

In a society where marriage has become a “throw away”, those of us who are followers of Jesus, must become beacons for God’s design and plan.   The courts will continue to devalue marriage unless society as a whole sees a significant difference in our lives.   If we are to live out our own marriages as those beacons in the fullness of lives lived in Christ., we must stay close to the source of living water and allow ourselves to be a strong testimony for the goodness and rightness of marriage.

Our goal is to help marriages become the union that God intended from the beginning – as Paul put it so well in Ephesians 3:16-19. Don Farr is a Certified LifePlan™ Facilitator and Life Coach in Paradise Valley, Arizona

That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; [and] that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.