NEW BLOG – First Post – A Must Read !

Discovering that my old blog was nearly un-discoverable by those it was designed to reach, I’ve moved to WordPress.Com in the hope of finding greater readership.

My blog is one small attempt to fulfill God’s Vision and Mission for my life.  Years ago, I determined that I was uniquely designed to help people change, but for one reason or another find themselves blocked.

In September 1986, my then pastor, Malcom Cronk, challenged us to surrender our whole lives to God, and turn our plans purposes, and desires into His hands, directed toward His plan for our lives, revealed in Jeremiah 29:11.   “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord – plans for good, not evil, for the future and hope” (Farr Paraphrase)

Those who know me, will attest to the imperfect way my life has gone since that September morn, but the intention is still there.  Along the way God showed me that my vision for life is to see America turn back to God, and that my mission is an instrument, be it ever so small, to help those who have God in their lives find His plan for them.

After 20 years in the corporate world, I entered the vast world of Management Consultants.  My father had been one, and I saw how that could be not only a generational thing, but could be a God thing as well.

After 15 years of that, I was tired – tired of those executives who wanted to change others in their organizations, but not themselves – which doomed much of the work I was doing – as soon as I departed their organization.

It dawned on me that my mission was to help influence change in those whole life followers of Jesus who truly wanted to find God’s best in their own lives – and become a godly influence in their circles.

Life Coaching, Lay Counseling and Marriage Ministry are those venues – and this blog will be my ramblings on building strong character, finding God’s best for our lives, and oh yes – with two failed marriages behind me – to help turn marriage and divorce into marriages that are a blessing to God, each other, and their world.

Mary Jane, my wife of 15 years,  works hand in hand in all three of these venues, in addition to her accounting and management practice and non-profit organization board leadership,

We welcome comments and referrals to our adventures in life, you’ll find us on the web at lifeplanningcoach.net

Marriage Staff Meetings Explained

For more than a decade we’ve have encouraged couples in our church, to keep two regular marriage events – “Date Nights” and “Marriage Staff Meetings”.

The premise is that we all need time for just plain fun in our marriage, and the “date night” fulfills that with only one rule – just fun, no serious issues talked about.   “Marriage Staff Meetings” are designed as time set aside to discuss issues, calendars, plans and goals.  Over the years we’ve been asked about the structure, and how to keep them from being emotional times of venting and turning bad.

This month I’d like to give you some tips on having productive and healthy “Staff Meetings,” that will take your marriage to closer and more intimate places.  They are designed to give of you an openness; creating an environment where you each can confide in one another.

The steps are Schedule, Location, Timing, and Process.

The Schedule is up to you. Weekly is best, but will be determined by the things that are going on in your life at the time.   I recommend that you limit your time to ninety minutes. The Location is best determined as a place where you’ll both be comfortable to share with each other.  It may be at home, in a restaurant, on a walk, in the car, etc.  I recommend it not be in your bedroom, as that should always be a place of comfort, rest and intimacy, just for the two of you.

The Timing is crucial.  Come to listen attentively to one another, and hear each other’s position on a matter.   Pick a time when you both are able to be fully “present” with one another without distractions and see each other as on the same team, with a desire to live out Romans 12:10-18  – “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor . . .”

Keep in mind that you didn’t marry an adversary – and with God’s help both must resist Satan’s attempt to see their spouse in that light.  The desire to live before God in obedience and to show a 1 Corinthians 13 love is vital to your spiritual health, and your marriage.

Begin your time with prayer – asking God to open your heart for the things to be discussed.  The Process then follows five steps that were originally penned by noted psychotherapist, Virginia Satir as The Daily Temperature Reading.

The DTR begins with Appreciation. Each should take a few minutes to share what you currently appreciate about each other.   It should be things completed and be specific and sincere.  (Not something like “I appreciate that you’ll do the ironing or take out the garbage next week”.)  Both are to come prepared to show genuine appreciation to
the other.

Next, each shares the New Things in their life.  He might share an accomplishment he has had since the last meeting, or that he made an appointment with their dentist, and she might share that she will be having dinner with her bible study group, etc.    The listener is to be fully present, attentive, caring, and affirming – not questioning.

Then share Puzzles and Schedules – those things we are aware of that need to be accomplished.  He might say that he thinks the car needs to go in for service, or that he thinks they need a new pool sweep.  She might say that she’d observed a broken sprinkler in the back yard, or that she thinks their child needs braces.

Each brings a list with their agenda items, and for notes.   After sharing puzzles/schedules, we can tackle each issue to be resolved.   Again, we are to keep in mind that while we have different approaches to a given issue, we are on the same side (our marriage), and that first and foremost we desire to do what is best before God.  Listening, validating, and seeing where we can move toward each other’s view on things will take us much closer and bring a quicker solution.

The fourth step is Complaint with a Request for Change.  I’m guessing that we all have things we’d like our spouse to do differently.  This step is the opportunity to share our issue with them, and to politely and kindly ask for a change.   It’s not pointing fingers, attacking or taking pot shots, nor is it criticizing one another.   At first It may take courage, but it’s vital to share our feelings about a behavior that troubles us, and let our spouse know what we’d prefer.

It can be “scripted” like this:  “I feel (sad, angry, hurt, frustrated, etc) . . . when you (and tell of their specific behavior).  What I want instead is (tell the clear, specific, unambiguous change you’d like).   Resist the temptation to ask – “Will you do that?”

Complaints/Requests are to be listened to and our partner’s feelings validated.  It is NOT the time to defend our position, to criticize, blame or walk out.   We don’t have to agree with them (they wouldn’t have a complaint/request if we did), but it is a time to let them know we heard their feelings.  Repeat our understanding of what they said, and ask if we have it correctly.  If not, ask them to tell it again, until we truly have understood their thoughts.  What we do with what we heard is between God and ourselves.

After both have shared any Complaints/Requests, we move to step five.  Sharing our Wishes, Hopes and Dreams.  They may be immediate, or those in the future.   This sharing might stimulate more discussion about how we can help our spouse meet their dreams, or it might be a time to write them down and go away and pray for Gods’ wisdom.

If your meeting becomes too emotional for either of you, ask for a break.   Perhaps you’ll need to pick it up later that day or week – but if you persist in rescheduling your regular Marriage Staff Meetings and face your differences packaged between genuine appreciation and your hopes and dreams, you’ll find it a fundamental building block of a
superior marriage.Don Farr is a Certified LifePlan™ Facilitator and Life Coach in Paradise Valley, Arizona – visit www.lifeplanningcoach.net

Marriage: Worth the Effort

Several times a week, I encounter those who, from their perspective, have found that their marriage has moved beyond “tough” to impossible, and are finally reaching out for some encouragement and help.  Sadly, most wait far too long before seeking help, perhaps because we do not see the trouble, or deny it, and get caught short with a blow up.  We’ve not learned to accept, much less appreciate each other’s differences, and when those differences manifest themselves we get hurt, disappointed and angry.  Reality sets in only after the wedding and is so different from our dreams and expectations.  Training in communication and conflict resolution is too sparse – or unavailable in churches, so many people resort to “medication” – alcohol, drugs, pornography, or turn to someone of the opposite sex who offers consolation and comfort.   Such things, God calls them sin, only exacerbate the problems in the marriage – in the past, leaving the best option for help – intensive couple therapy.

Our expectations and dreams are our baggage (stuff) – unique and quite different from those of our spouse.  What we experienced and learned in our homes and school as young children can be, and often are as different as night and day – but usually we’ve not delved into our expectations before the wedding, so reality comes with a crashing and often crushing impact.

Researchers know that dealing with our own “stuff” – usually from our past must be seriously undertaken, for us to be healthily engaged in a relationship. The old adage that you can deal with your baggage in this marriage – or the next is all too true, and mostly neglected.   Dealing with our “stuff” takes work, and when your marriage is suffering, it is nigh unto impossible to do that with your spouse and often there is not enough energy or wisdom to do it alone.

The same authors of the book featured in May have another work that we think is powerful in helping us get the strength to deal with our “stuff”.   Actually it’s a set of two books (sold together) that takes the reader on a twelve week study of themselves.  Joe and Michelle Miller have put together the idea of working on our “stuff” by having a same gender friend we trust, who has a strong marriage, work through the lessons as a partner.  They created a workbook for the hurting individual, and a same-gender partner’s companion book.   It’s designed for the two to meet for an hour a week for 12 weeks.   Their study is called “Marriage911”.

If the couple is still together and both parties want to see God honored by their commitment to one another, then we ask each of them to find a same gender friend and work on their own “stuff”, often before beginning to deal with the issues between them.

In a society where marriage has become a “throw away”, those of us who are followers of Jesus, must become beacons for God’s design and plan.   The courts will continue to devalue marriage unless society as a whole sees a significant difference in our lives.   If we are to live out our own marriages as those beacons in the fullness of lives lived in Christ., we must stay close to the source of living water and allow ourselves to be a strong testimony for the goodness and rightness of marriage.

Our goal is to help marriages become the union that God intended from the beginning – as Paul put it so well in Ephesians 3:16-19. Don Farr is a Certified LifePlan™ Facilitator and Life Coach in Paradise Valley, Arizona

That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; [and] that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

Finding our “Happy State in the Lord”

Last month I wrote about not giving up the value placed in older things, and this month we follow up with a story about a man from the 19^th Century.   Six years ago, I heard Dr. Dallas Willard, the author of several books on personal holiness read a quote from George Müller.

“I saw more clearly than ever that the first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day was, to have my soul happy in the Lord. The first thing to be concerned about was not how much I might serve the Lord, or how I might glorify the Lord; but how I might get my soul into a happy state, and how my inner man might be nourished. For I might seek to set the truth before the unconverted, I might seek to benefit believers, I might seek to relieve the distressed, I might in other ways seek to behave myself as it becomes a child of God in this world; and yet, not being happy in the Lord, and not being nourished and strengthened in my inner man day by day, all this might not be attended to in a right spirit.”

Reflecting later on that line “happy in the Lord” left me wanting to know what George meant, and that led me to want to know more about this Mr. Müller.  I discovered it came from a pamphlet he’d written in 1841.  With some further research I learned that when he died at age 93, the ministry he founded was caring for over 7000 orphans. Astonishingly, today his ministry lives on, still guided by his key principles of seeking money not through asking  for funds from others, but through prayer alone.  After WWII when orphanages were determined to be less effective than fostering and adoption, his foundation shifted its emphasis to residential care for the elderly and those with special needs – whether Spiritual, Emotional or Physical.  Today they continue to sell Bibles and literature at discounted prices to the needy and support Missions in England and around the world.

Astounded by a ministry that has lasted more than 160 years, God impressed on me to try and understand George’s simple goal of daily “getting happy in the Lord.”   His answer was contained in the next part of his pamphlet.

“I saw that the most important thing I had to do was to give myself to the reading of the Word of God, and to meditation on it, that thus my heart might be comforted, encouraged, warned, reproved, instructed; and that thus, by means of the Word of God, while meditating on it, my heart might be brought into experiential communion with the Lord.” Read the entire text at: http://www.ncs-az.net/georgem.htm

As Jesus led me deeper into His presence day by day, I found that George had been right, and that the other things I’d heard from Dallas that day were golden nuggets leading me to a relationship with the Lord that previously I’d not known – even though I’d been a believer for 30 some years.

Today, I see that without that relationship investment on our part, all other relationships are flat, and there is a longing that spouses, family and friends cannot fill.   Finding that delightful place with God is also the building block for a strong marriage.  God designed men to be the Spiritual head of the home, and women to respect their husbands.   I believe both to be improbable over time without that “happy state in the Lord.”

Far too many of us in the church have never experienced the Living Water and Abundant Life that Jesus revealed to us in John 4, 7 and 10.   Only as we seek that “happy state In the Lord” do we find it – available as we yield to His guiding hand through our consistent and purposeful time in the Bible.

“Everyone who drinks of this water [from this well] will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”            John 4:13b-14  NASB

As Christians, this choice is ours; to live our lives welcoming God only on Sundays and special holidays, or to open ourselves to the Master Builder, and allow Him to lay a refreshing foundation in our heart that will live in that “happy state” daily and throughout eternity.

Some will use gold or silver or precious stones in building on the foundation; others will use wood or grass or straw. And the quality of each person’s work will be seen when the Day of Christ exposes it. For on that Day fire will reveal everyone’s work; the fire will test it and show its real quality.  If what was built on the foundation survives the fire, the builder will receive a reward.   But if your work is burnt up, then you will lose it; but you yourself will be saved, as if you had escaped through the fire. 1Co 3:12-15  Good News  Bible

Let’s tie this all back to marriage.  With the divorce rate at 1 in 1153 for those who hold hands and pray together daily as opposed to the church in general where more than 1 in 2 marriages fail, it would appear that connecting with our spouse in such a meaningful expression as we talk to God is a significant factor in marriage success.  But I suggest to you that it is more about our individual walk with Christ, and the quality time we spend alone in the Word of God that has such a God honoring result.  That said, I encourage you  to find time in your day as George did, to dig into the Bible as a serious student asking God to reveal more and more of His truth for your life, and for your marriage.   You and all around you will reap blessing upon blessings for it.

Saving, Healing, and Growing Our Marriages

Four couples from the Marriage Ministry team at Scottsdale Bible Church were blessed with the opportunity to attend a training workshop in March 2009 designed to help us better and quickly assist marriages where marriage bonding has weakened or fractured.

While unwise to have waited, more often than not, couples in this arena do wait to seek help until the trouble has grown so severe that one or both parties are ready to quit.

It’s just a case of the “normals” to have trials in life, and in marriage, and it’s not unusual for some of those to be deeply troubling, requiring a great deal of hard work from both partners to get or stay healthy.  And, while there are no quick fixes when the relationship has weakened, we recommend that one spouse take some steps, independent of the other spouse, to gain perspective and open the door to healing and growing in their own walk with God.   Doing this will often create an environment for the couple to approach things substantially different than they have in the past.

Consider the calling that God has on our lives that is reflected in our attitude relating to any given thing.  Analyze it further and it would seem that two contrasting thoughts can often be a sort of measuring stick for us to get in touch with God’s design for our life.  Those thoughts are “I have to do this”, in contrast to “I get to do this”.   I credit this way of looking at things to Robertson McQuilkin, whom I mentioned here last month.  Some year’s back he shared that quitting his job as President of Columbia Seminary to care for his wife Muriel, who suffered with Alzheimer’s for the last thirteen years of her life was something he “got to do” not something he “had to do”.    You can find hs testimony on YouTube .

You and I can take some time alone with God and create a list of those things we “have to do”.  Once the list is completed, we have a perhaps brand new prayer list to talk to God about over the next few weeks and months as we find ourselves challenged to grow, and become more of the man or woman that God intends us to become.  It’s often surprising to ourselves and our family and friends when we begin to see the wonderful things we “get to do” that once upon a time we “had to do”.   When we see things in light of Christ in our lives – many of those choices, we can indeed see as “getting to do”.  OR…if we’re completely honest with ourselves, we might often at least see ourselves bending our knees asking God to help us to want to have such an attitude and motivation.

This plan of action is totally independent of our spouse’s actions, but I’ve seen God use it to soften the heart of one as they have seen the growth toward and into a deeper walk with God that that has been taking place in the life of their other half.  There is nothing that makes a member of the opposite sex more attractive to a follower of Christ, than to see their spouse walking in the strength and power of Christ.   ! Peter 4:8 tells us that love covers a multitude of sins.   An intimate walk with God is the source of love to our spouse, and I’ve seen that kind of love heal even the deepest of wounds in marriage.

The economy has caused great stress on marriage in America.  If your marriage is struggling, I recommend Joe & Michelle Williams book – “Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved”.  It will guide you through deeper thoughts in a similar vein to what I’ve briefly covered above – and guide you into profound places in your walk with God.  That is the foundation for a truly healthy and growing marriage.   Don Farr is a Certified LifePlan™ Facilitator and Life Coach in Paradise Valley, Arizona

Value the Vintage!

The Feb 09 issue of Christianity Today had a wonderful article on worship bands, concluding in part, that where worship appears to be the greatest is when it’s the united voices of the congregation that rises to God, not those on the platform.  Recently our church morning Worship Team led us with in a quiet hymn – the sound that swelled and echoed in the sanctuary was a moving and truly a holy offering to God.   How thankful I am that our Worship Team has a desire to value the vintage in music.

The CT article caused me to reflect on other things beyond music, and reminded me that many churches just throw out the vintage – just as many in our society try to throw out the Bible, or say that Christian faith was not at the core of our nation at its founding; or try to devalue marriage which God instituted in the Garden of Eden.  There are a few who have swayed the many to ignore marriage in-total, and along with it those vintage marriages that are so rich for us all.

We need to stand and shout STOP – and help one another consider again the value of the older vintage things.  Marriage, the ancient manuscripts, the vintage hymns, the older authors, long silent four part music, and seasoned marriages must not be dismissed and tossed.   Balance should be established so that the new and vintage are evaluated and both given their due.

Before she died, Ruth Bell Graham told an interviewer that she and Billy had been happily incompatible for sixty years.   I’ve been in a training setting with one dear couple who at that time had been married for 50 years, where they were asked, and both vulnerably shared, one of their ongoing disagreements. Yep they have them, but they also have wonderful grace to give to one another.

Robertson McQuilkin’s marriage of 40 plus years is another example of God’s extraordinary grace that showed the merits of valuing the tried and true, as he resigned the presidency of Columbia International University to care for Muriel, who’s 25 year decline into Alzheimer’s disease had progressed to a stage where his physical presence with her was the only time she felt calm.   It’s not casting aside the tried and true, or sameness that made long term marriages great.  It takes hard work, and an unworldly commitment to God and our spouse.

God did not create marriage to make us happy by giving us someone who is the same as us, or who would fill our desires.  Let me quickly add though that if we do “life” as He intended, happiness IS one of the byproducts.  He gave us someone uniquely (and sometimes stubbornly) different as a life partner, to sharpen our serve.  It would seem that marriage is designed for friction, and that the friction is designed to expose our sin and build godly character, making us fit to be a marriage partner – perhaps ultimately fit for heaven.

In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas calls marriage a sacred struggle.  We are to lean into, instead of pulling away, and embrace that struggle, and let our hearts first determine to bring glory to God in every area of our life.  We must choose to move toward one another – seeking their desires before even our own – and learn what godly servants look like to others. Our life mission will be transformed.  Don Farr is a Certified LifePlan™ Facilitator and Coach in Paradise Valley, Arizona – find him on the web at http://www.ncs-az.net/lifeplan.htm

Jesus in the Chair

Followers of Jesus learn early, throughout the New Testament, that the Holy Spirit lives in us, giving us hope and eyes to see that the world does not know or see.  We learn – then so often seem to get distracted, even sidelined, by the complexities of our busy lives.   It doesn’t take long before we’re living life in our own strength, and forgetting that He is with us in all we do.

In recent months we’ve had a pack of five or more Coyotes living somewhere just over the wall of our yard. Because we have two dogs that have had for many years, 16 hour a day yard access through a doggy-door, it has caused us to rethink how we live.   Coyotes easily clear a 6 foot fence, and hunt in packs.  We regularly see four or five out front, and they would snatch either of our dogs in a heartbeat if they could.  These days, the dogs are outside only when under the careful watch of one of us.  We might just sit on the patio and watch them – and perhaps notice that their behavior is altered by our presence. Failure to be watchful, has already caused several of our neighbors to lose their family dogs and cats.

As deadly as Coyote’s are to beloved pets, sin is right outside our walls too – crouched there to destroy the beloved of God.  Sin will destroy a testimony, a marriage, a family, a life.

While we may have forgotten it, we too have a watchman with us – in that chair at the table, in the room where we are sitting relaxing, or dealing with the life issues with one another.  Jesus is in that empty chair, to hear our tone, our heart before our spouse, and to encourage us to see them as He does.   I might tend to see my wife with her faults – we ALL have them – but if I remember that He is there, Jesus is there to remind me that she is good-willed, a saint, created in His image, with His godly character, fully loved and a fellow heir of the Kingdom of heaven.

Keeping that in my mind can and should change my outlook, even my tone, heart and motives as we talk with one another.  What would I say to my spouse in the presence of God that would differ from what I might say were He not there?

I believe it is an act of our will that remembers God’s presence is with us.  Over the years I’ve heard some suggest that we leave an empty chair at the Kitchen table, and one in the Family or Living Room as a reminder, wherever we gather.  One family I visited years ago, kept a chair in their living room with a framed picture of Christ sitting in it.   But nothing takes the place of the sheer and passionate desire for that kind of closeness with God, and our choice to remember He is here, allowing our behavior to become externally and internally more godly  before another of His children.  Don Farr is a Certified LifePlan™ Facilitator and Coach in Paradise Valley, Arizona – find him on the web at http://www.ncs-az.net/lifeplan.htm

Bad marriages are destroyed by crisis, Good marriages survive them. Great marriages are improved by them.

(paraphrased from Andrew Grove former CEO of Intel)

Many families at SBC have been harshly affected by the economy and in such times the pressures rise on the marriage.  All too often relationships strain and without caring help – they can break.   This blog is here to share, to pray, to show our care and to encourage husbands and wives to return to their first love of Christ, and allow Him to guide you to taking your marriage, bad or good, toward GREAT.

No matter the state of YOUR economy, career, or family, we hope you will keep or start praying together (silently if need be), having a regular date night and marriage staff meeting.  These three are so helpful for building the marriage relationship that God ordained since the beginning.

Here are some ways this month that you can deepen the connection with your spouse.

HUSBANDS.  Take note of this!  February is “Heart Month”! How many times have you waited until it was too late to plan something special for Valentine’s Day? WIVES, you are usually more curious than your husbands, and since you’re reading this, take some time to ponder your role in this holiday.

We encourage you to consider together, how to celebrate Heart Month in addition to the Valentine’s celebration at SBC.

Ask one another what would make the occasion special for your spouse.   A flower, a gift (remember Husbands, even in a tough economy generally speaking a warranty is OUT – an appraisal is IN – and wives try Home Depot, Bass Pro Shops, Best Buy, or Checker Auto). Even a short one day or weekend adventure can be good re-connectors.

Do you know your spouse’s favorite means of relaxing? (If not – ASK)  Can you join them in it?  Recently I had a coaching client tell me he was going to join his golfing wife on the driving range once a month in 2009, just for the connection, and to show his love.   How about you?   What new thing(s) can you do to show love to your spouse?

Keeping Heart Month in focus, we’d like to recommend The Love Dare book this month.   Authors Stephen and Alex Kendrick challenge us all to take the forty day love dare and learn how to re-ignite, re-kindle and re-invigorate our love for our spouse.  The book is an extension of the movie Fireproof, (now available on DVD), and each of the forty chapters gives the reader a different avenue to extend love to their spouse.  Whether your marriage is bad, good or great, this book will teach you how to lead, instead of follow your heart.  Also see http://www.40daylovedare.com/ for more information on the book and the marriage-changing movie.  Don Farr is a Certified Life Coach in Paradise Valley, AZ.

Atrophy -vs- Momentum

…and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. ^{Mark 12:30 (see also Duet 6:5, Mat 22:37 and Luke 10:2)}

When life gets hectic, we frequently run out of steam for the important things; often putting aside exercise of our heart, mind, soul and body. What begins then is the slow, seemingly insignificant [at that moment] Atrophy.   You remember Atrophy – it’s the progressive partial or complete wasting away of that part of our body we are ignoring at that time.  And it applies as well to our emotional life, our spiritual life and thought life.  We wake up one day and know something has changed; we feel weaker, disconnected from our spouse, and others we love, and unable to hear God through His Word, our prayers and from others.

On the other side of things, is Momentum.  Ahh, the wonders of forward healthy movement due to the actions we engage in regularly with a pure heart, good conscience and sincere faith ^{(1 Tim 1:5)}.  As we embrace wise and godly actions in our marriage, our spiritual lives, and develop a more purposeful heart for God and people, our entire life is borne on an intimacy with God that brings hope and joy.

Look at the joy filled faces of a couple who have just fallen in love.  Consider that look in a couple that has been married 10, 25 or 50 years.   Then look around the church and see what Pastor Darryl DelHousaye suggested looked more like folks who’d been dipped in pickle juice, than Christ filled lovers.   I know that each one of us wants to look like those early lovers, when we reach each milestone in our own marriage.   Not only do we want that, our spouse, children, family, friends, and God desires that for us as well.  I’m equally sure that Pastor Jamie doesn’t want to see pickle faced married couples from the pulpit.

Ok then, you and I don’t want to be pickles – but how do we change, how do we get to be joy filled lovers again?

It takes a hot-start-jolt between Atrophy and Momentum that rests in our hands.  God has already done His part, giving us the commanding roadmap in the above verses.  Loving the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and thoughts now rests on our WILL.  What “will’ we do with it?

We begin by recognizing the Atrophy where it exists in our lives – and recognize too that Momentum has a down side as well as an upside.  If, for example, we are not exercising in one of those four areas of our life, the Momentum crouches there, leading us toward further apathy and deeper Atrophy.

Once we recognize that we have a problem area, we can choose to ignore it, and face further Atrophy.  That will distance us from others; or we can – by an act of our will – and with God’s help, begin to challenge ourselves to exercise in the troubled area of our life.

We can purpose to spend time differently with our spouse – reading a book together one night a week perhaps – being intentional to pray together each day.  The Momentum can kick in and keep you going as you sign up and attend marriage small group studies, and though you’ve heard it in this column before – go on regular dates with one another.  Don Farr is a Certified Life Coach, from Paradise Valley, AZ.

Investor’s Strategy for ‘09 and Beyond

Consider for a moment that a wise investor strategy can pay great dividends throughout your life, totally independent of where the stock market or home values are.

Recently I met with a man in his 40’s who told me how he worked hard all day, putting in long hours and energy, and came home tired, just wanting to relax before the next day.  I asked him how much energy he had left for his wife and family, and his response was – not much.  He went on to share how he thought they should understand that times are tough, and that holding onto a job in a downsizing economy left him exhausted.

The Bible gives us pretty clear understanding in Matthew 22:37 that God desires us to place Him as our highest priority, giving honor to Him with our heart, soul and mind.  Next in His priority for our lives is “our neighbor”; our wives/husbands certainly qualify as our closest neighbor.   Throughout the Scriptures we are exhorted to be good husbands and wives – so giving our best to the job, and leaving little for them seems to be reflect an upside down priority.

God challenges us all to be investors in personal holiness and our marriage. Understand that God is not encouraging us to give poorly in our work – He calls us to excellence in all things.  If we save some of our prime energy for our spouse, we may grow in godliness, and that honors Him, and is good for all.  In these tough economic times, it’s far to easy to put our focus on things that, while urgent, are askew of God’s design for our lives.
How can you be an investor in your marriage?

• First, invest quality time in your walk with Christ.   Sunday worship, small group studies and accountability to a same gender mentor/friend, prayer, reading God’s word are all important to our personal growth.
• Second, plug into one of the many classes/seminars available in your town or online that are designed to help marriage deal with the common concerns all of us face – topics like communication, conflict resolution, expectations, listening, etc.
• Third, hold hands and pray together. One study shows that divorce only occurs in only 1 of 1153 marriages that do this – pretty strong indication that prayer together is part of God’s plan for our lives.
  
• Fourth, have regular date nights with your spouse, and weekly marriage staff meetings, both of which create opportunities for deeper relationship with them.
• Fifth, read a book together like the one featured below.
• Sixth, find a ministry where you can serve together.   In your church is great, but Christ followers need to be involved in community as well.
• Seventh – mentor a newly married couple – they face trials greater than we can imagine, and need godly models before them.
  

As said in this column before, our goal is to reduce the divorce rate, but equally important to raise the quality of marriages, such that we become powerful advocates for the things God began in Genesis with Adam and Eve. We hope you will join us as Marriage Investors in your community.

Since we’ve already suggested reading a book to each other – we’ve got one this month that is light reading, yet insightful – able to stir great conversations on your date nights.

Men Are Like Waffles – Women Are Like Spaghetti, by Bill and Pam Farrell, (alas not known kin to this editorialist).

One of our pastors told me this week that this book opened their eyes to their differences after being married for many years, and that he recommends it often.

Consider that men think and act by moving from box to box – the contents of one box not tainting any other.  We enter a box, size up the situation and act.   Our delightful brides of any length of time mix it up so well, that every noodle of information is touching and connected to every other noodle on the plate.

This alone can drive us both nuts.   So Bill and Pam Farrel help us break down things like communication, couple closeness, conflict resolution, nourishing each other’s dreams and sizzling sex.   Their humorous, warm readable approach is a perfect book to read to one another.  You will find this Marriage Investor idea fun in uniting your differences. –Don Farr is a certified Life Coach in Paradise Valley [dfarr@ncs-az.net].